You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
