So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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