she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
