Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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