Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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