oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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