I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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