The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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