Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
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I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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