Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
