grandma shit on top of the toilet
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
