She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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