I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
