i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
