I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
