those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
