My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
