alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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