Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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