Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
