i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
