hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize