hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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