Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
