I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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