We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
