Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
