I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
