When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
