I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
