Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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