My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
