Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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