Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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