He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
