yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
