i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
