census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
