apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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