He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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