This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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