I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
