The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
