words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
my poor anus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
