If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
