I cannot find my penis.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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