I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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