I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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