I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
