he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
