found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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